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Hulk Hogan has the cash you need–today, brother!

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Need money now? Creditors breathing down your pimply neck? The Hulk's got your back, brother! (This clown's going to need cash--and lots of it--if he expects to get laid.)

I was contemplating my finances (i.e., wondering how I can persuade you marks visiting the site to click on a few ads) while driving to KFR Headquarters in Santa Monica this morning, when Hulk Hogan suddenly burst through my speakers to announce that he had the cash I needed…today! (OK–kidding. I’m from Germantown, so you know I don’t need the money. However, I am considering that rather expensive pec-replacement surgery in Beverly Hills a la former Memphis wrestling alum The Rock, so an extra payoff wouldn’t hurt.)

According to the Huckster, all I have to do is put my TITLE on the line, brother–my car title! In a spiel that’s shameful even by pro wrestling’s standards, during the radio ad for 1-800-Loan-Mart, Hogan encourages  “all my Hulkamaniacs to visit their Web site–do it today, brother!” He proceeds to say “brother” three more times in the 30-second spot while reassuring folks that they won’t necessarily lose their car by accepting a loan with their title as collateral. It was so bad, it came off like a sports-talk parody.

I have to admit: Other than Ric Flair, there’s not a man whose financial advice I value more than Hogan. (The Hulk also recommends that all of you Hulkamaniacs rush out to Rent-A-Center after your car-title loan is processed.) Sheesh–and you thought those Hulk ads with Troy Aikman were bad.

After arriving at my office, I googled “Hulk Hogan” and “car loan”–I was not disappointed. (In defense of Jimmy Hart, this is a step up from Wrestlicious.) I can’t help but think that shortly after the Hulk and Hart take off in this clip below, the Nasty Boys show up to rob these jabronis of their cash and their Jeep. I can’t wait for the next ad, which will reportedly feature Ted DiBiase Sr. waving cash in front of some poor sap shining his shoes with a toothbrush when Hogan shows up to save the day and bellowing, “Not everybody has a price, brother!” (Sure they do–just sign the car-title loan agreement.)

  1. August 11th, 2010 at 05:50 | #1

    I don’t know which is more scary: the fact that someone could make that kind of commitment to Hogan or the shape the guy is in.

  2. David
    August 11th, 2010 at 07:02 | #2

    I’d like it much better if they used other wrestlers… like Tommy Rick or Buddy Landell or someone like that…

  3. Old School Sammy
    August 11th, 2010 at 08:23 | #3

    Did the Rock have pec “replacement” surgery, or just get his “moobs” taken care of, post Hulk Hogan-Vitamin Cycle let-down?

  4. admin
    August 11th, 2010 at 08:46 | #4

    Ah…ever the wrestling historian, OSS…

  5. Old School Sammy
    August 11th, 2010 at 09:44 | #5

    Love you too Scotty!

  6. Tape Fan
    August 12th, 2010 at 06:45 | #6

    Sammy, I always thought he just had fat removed. I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. He’s got a weight problem. What’s the brother gonna do, he’s Samoan.

  7. Old School Sammy
    August 12th, 2010 at 07:29 | #7

    That’s what I meant Tape Fan—I thought he had a “moob-o-suction” The fat tissue sucked from him manboobs, a common after effect of steroid cycling. Rock isn’t fat whatsover, but when he had to get leaner to be on-screen fulltime, that meant no more (or less) of the Old Hulk Hogan Vitamins, so the previously pumped up pecs had to go somewhere.

    That said, speaking of big Samoan brothers, can SOMEBODY PLEASE get Samoa Joe in WWE, being booked by someone who knows how to do it? He may well be the hugest waste of wrestling talent by the WWE or TNA the past few years, sad.

  8. PG-13
    August 12th, 2010 at 12:29 | #8

    agreed Sammy but from I heard is Vince wanted to turn Joe into an Umaga character and Joe wasn’t interested. but I can’t figure for the life of my why TNA is letting him waste away on the sidelines, I know he got suspended for his outburst a few weeks ago but c’mon he’s one of the best big men in the biz besides Kevin Steen

  9. Old School Sammy
    August 12th, 2010 at 22:22 | #9

    Then again–with the face paint and dopey knife and not talking, didn’t TNA turn Joe into Umaga for like 20 minutes or so?

    Scott–did you catch the full two-hour Impact last night followed by the debut “insider-type” show last night on Spike? Easily their best showing in terms of solid watchable programming in the company’s history, I have to admit I was more than mildly impressed.

  10. Encore
    August 13th, 2010 at 07:25 | #10

    Old School Sammy :
    That’s what I meant Tape Fan—I thought he had a “moob-o-suction” The fat tissue sucked from him manboobs, a common after effect of steroid cycling. Rock isn’t fat whatsover, but when he had to get leaner to be on-screen fulltime, that meant no more (or less) of the Old Hulk Hogan Vitamins, so the previously pumped up pecs had to go somewhere.
    That said, speaking of big Samoan brothers, can SOMEBODY PLEASE get Samoa Joe in WWE, being booked by someone who knows how to do it? He may well be the hugest waste of wrestling talent by the WWE or TNA the past few years, sad.

    You realize he’s quoting Pulp Fiction

  11. Old School Sammy
    August 13th, 2010 at 23:25 | #11

    Really? Please feel free to provide any back-up there. I write off the top of my head, and have since the early 90’s when I was published monthly as a writer in the magazine field for just about a decade, and no one’s ever accused me of plagiarizing anything. On the other hand, there’s been quite a few instances where I have been ripped and riffed off in the past, for both ideas as well as words, but who’s counting.

    I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction is a good three or four years, but if you accused me of Goodfellas, you might have more to stand on, have watched that one like 3 times in the past month alone…

  12. admin
    August 14th, 2010 at 11:17 | #12

    “I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. He’s got a weight problem. What’s the brother gonna do, he’s Samoan.”

    Settle down there, OSS. This was the Samuel J. Jackson line from Pulp FIction (quoted by Tape Fan) that was was referring to (minus the ni**er reference). I’ve only seen Good Fellas once this month but I have seen Jaws twice in the last 10 days. Which brings up a good question…what are movies you drop whatever you’re doing and watch if they’re on? Mine: the two classics I previously mentioned, Close Encounters, High Plains Drifter, Dirty Harry, 2001, Godfather 1 and II, Full Metal Jacket, Reservoir Dogs, The Apartment, Some Like it Hot, The Party, Royal Tenenbaums, Bottle Rocket, Big Lebowski, Hoosiers, Planet of the Apes…and, of course, No Holds Barred. And probably dozens more.

  13. Old School Sammy
    August 14th, 2010 at 23:51 | #13

    My favorites I will watch whenever they come on, and even with commercial interruptions: (NOT in order)
    Animal House
    Goodfellas
    Scarface
    Godfather 1 and 2
    Casino
    Ferris Beuller’s Day Off
    Gremlins (Love that first one–a classic in carnage)
    Ghostbusters

    and one very few people had love for–which was wrong
    Grosse Point Blank—CLASSIC and always very watchable–and the “Mirror in the Bathroom” (English Beat) fight scene may be the best ever action scene not in an action movie, with a perfect song played…

  14. PG-13
    August 15th, 2010 at 01:41 | #14

    my favorites that I can watch over and over are

    Animal House
    Enter The Dragon
    The Breakfast Club (or any John Hughes movie from the 80’s)
    Back to the Future
    Caddyshack
    Tommy Boy
    Point Break

    and the only movie where it’s okay for a guy to cry…. RUDY!

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