Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

Shortly after this photo was taken, Miss Piggy karate chopped Jerry Lawler for making one too many fat jokes.

What could have been an outright disaster turned out to be not as shitty as expected (I’ll stop short of saying “campy fun”) as Jim Henson’s Muppets appeared on last night’s RAW, highlighted by a pretty funny segment involving long-lost brothers Sheamus and Beaker (really, the hairstyles should have been a dead giveaway). This exchange was set up by a comment that John Cena made on the April 24, 2010, episode of RAW, accusing Sheamus of “moonlighting as Beaker from ‘The Muppets’ with a chip on his shoulder.”

Beaker, who was reportedly in charge of the WWE Wellness Policy piss tests for the evening, also interfered in a bout, enabling Santino to steal a victory over Muppet-bully Jack Swagger when the former Italian Intercontinental champion spit an unknown concoction into the eyes of the All-American American in a modified Great Kabuki-green-mist finish. (Evan Bourne reportedly drank Beaker’s formula, apparently spiked with Ico Pro and Hulk Hogan Vitamins, resulting in a 30-day suspension for his first violation of the aforementioned Wellness Policy. Either that, or it was the synthetic marijuana that Bourne bought off Muppet Animal.)

Certainly there were some missed opportunities: a duet with Kermit and Mason Ryan singing “It Ain’t Easy Being Green;” CM Punk in the balcony with Statler and Waldorf bitching about the illogical, lame booking; a showdown between Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho (who’s on sabbatical) and Fozzie Bear; and Miss Piggy and Stephanie McMahon comparing boob jobs would have all been naturals.

Really, the Muppets weren’t the biggest problem with the show, though with a major PPV headlined by the Rock wrestling for the first time in years coming up in three weeks, the timing was questionable.

Rock opened the program, looking as if he were on set shooting a Just For Men commercial, complete with a gray beard that was weird a la Emmitt Smith. (If he shaved the ‘stache part, he’d had a classic Lawler crown-shaped goatee rocking.) The crowd reaction seemed tepid for the Most Electrifying Man No Longer Working Full Time in Sports Entertainment, and the Twitter audience really turned on the Rock, bemoaning yet another taped promo instead of a live appearance. Rock ran down Cena before agreeing to be his partner because he hates Miz and R-Truth even more than the leader of the “Fruit Troop.” With a Cena vs. Miz bout booked for last night’s main event, I anticipated a screwjob and beat-down of Cena to turn up the heat on the heels to build to the Rock’s return to RAW on the three-hour episode on Nov. 13–ah, but that’s the logical side of me. Instead, Miz tapped out quickly to the crossface and Cena delivered a post-match knockout to R-Truth as well via an Attitude Adjustment. (Truth was wearing a “Scream” mask, though nobody thought for a second that was Skeet Ulrich under the hood.)

For the life of me, I can’t understand the booking philosophy behind WWE’s product. If Cena can singlehandedly wipe the mat with these two jabronis, why exactly does he need the Rock? Where’s the heat? (OK, deep down, I was hoping that during a two-on-one fracas, a drunken Tommy Rich would hop the ringside barrier in Atlanta to make the save for Cena.) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised; after all, “The Muppet Show” always had a happy ending.

While I don’t have a problem with a World champion dropping an occasional non-title bout to set up a serious challenger, WWE titlist Alberto Del Rio was pinned clean in the middle by the Big Show in a…um…methodical bout that seemed slightly longer than Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage. Big Show, of course, is a SMACKDOWN wrestlersuperstar involved in a program with the “other” World champion, Mark Henry, so Del Rio won’t prevail in the end. The once-hot Punk, who has cooled like a WWF ice-cream bar in recent weeks, was relegated to mocking Del Rio in Spanglish and ensnaring the beaten champion in the Anaconda Vice submission hold until he agreed to a title match at Survivor Series. ¡Que lastima! 

HOF announcer Jim Ross was there to shoot an angle with Michael Cole, but was bumped for the Muppets–seriously. This left Cole and Lawler to bicker at ringside, sans the charm of Statler and Waldorf, with the King actually reaching back to his ’80s bag of insults and making a “Wimpbusters” reference. I simultaneously cringed and popped for that one.