Shortly after an 8-foot tall LEGO man washed up on Siesta Key Beach early Tuesday morning, TNA signed the fiberglass free agent to a three-year deal, according to Eric Bischoff in a report filed by the Christian Science Monitor.
“At TNA, we’re always looking for that next pop-culture icon, whether it be Pacman Jones, Jenna Morasca or Jonny Fairplay, to get people talking around the water cooler about our product,” explains Bischoff as he once again turns controversy into cash. “Giant LEGO Man is undefeated in active competition and a huge coup for our organization. And for those Internet nerds out there dismissing LEGO Man as the just the latest washed-up stiff on our roster, at least we didn’t re-sign Kevin Nash like WWE. In our initial workouts, Giant LEGO Man already displays more charisma and athleticism than half the X Division–whatever that is.”
TNA Creative is working around the clock on an engaging, riveting, logical storyline–a first for the company–to set up LEGO Man as the next monster to challenge the legacy of the immortal Hulk Hogan, former WWE heavyweight champion and current spokesperson for CarTitleLoanMart.com and Rent-A-Center.
“Let me tell ya somethin’, brother, the biggest and the baddest in the land have tried to knock the Hulkster off the top of the mountain, and I’m…still…standing…sort of,” says Hogan, hobbling with a cane after his recent “retirement” match against Sting. “Andre the Giant, the Big Show, King Kong Bundy–they’ve all gone down at the hands of me and all my Hulkamanics. I’m not gonna stop, dude, until I bodyslam that smelly, seaweed-wrapped, 700-pound Giant LEGO Man through the floor of the iMPACT Zone. Then, I’m gonna take that LEGO freak apart…brick by brick by brick by brick…brother! Whatcha gonna do, Giant LEGO Man, when the power of Hulkamania runs wild on youuuuuu?!”
Hogan closed his press conference by saying he will be donating the spare LEGO parts to the Make-A-Wish Foundation shortly after dismantling the Giant on SPIKE TV next Thursday night.
Displaying a quiet, eerie confidence, Giant LEGO Man had no comment.