Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

As far as interesting characters and coherent concepts go, this is a notch below porn.

Ah, if only Missy Hyatt’s bed could talk–the stories it would tell. Probably for the best that it can’t: That bottomless pit of tales of depravity would, much like Hyatt, likely never shut up.

I can’t imagine whom in the world this could possibly interest, but Missy Hyatt recently hosted a “pajama party” with Amy Lee (who makes TNA’s ODP look like Megan Fox), and Lacey Von Erich (hey, she can sink her Claw into me any time…ZING!) and lucky for us, the Kayfabe Commentaries cameras were there.

They shimmy, they shake their boobies, they have an orgasm-faking competition, and they prank call the Honky Tonk Man. Apparently, Lee loves saying the word “quiff” for shock value as much I did when I was a junior in high school. (Which, incidentally, was around the last time that Hyatt was actually sexy.) And those are the highlights. Just when you think it can’t get any worse…New Jack crashes the party. I’m not sure what Lee’s connection to the business is or why she was invited to the “sleepover,” but she reminds me an obnoxious arena rat in Memphis who used to let the boys use her car, her house and namely, her, in exchange for sex. I believe Ricky Morton used to refer to these transactions as “paying the rent.” (Oh, but Ricky, what a price to pay, my friend.)

Run, don’t walk, away from this DVD. (Instead of wasting your time with those trollops, check out the excellent Mildred Burke bio, The Queen of the Ring. It’s a hell of a read.)

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Lacey Von Erich: Master of the Iron Bra.

When 19-year-old Jonathan Vargas hit the Powerball and claimed his $35.3 million payoff in 2008, critics wondered aloud if the youngest-ever winner in that lottery’s history would squander his fortune or invest it wisely. Vargas shrewdly put those concerns to rest by announcing the debut of “Wrestlicious,” his new female-wrestling TV show, which actually welcomes comparisons to the ridiculous GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) promotion of the late ’80s. Vargas, who last year credited the “voices in his head” with helping him pick his winning lottery numbers, has announced that he’s enlisted GLOW’s Johnny Cafarella as senior producer.

I cannot confirm if the latest company press release, which is riddled with blatant typos, grammatical errors and run-on sentences, was scrawled with Crayolas:

The Executive Producer of the new Jimmy Hart’s Wrestlicious TV show creating a huge buzz on the internet, 19 year old Jonathan Vargas, is excited about the overwhelming response. Vargas, the youngest Powerball winner ever, won 35.3 million in May 2008, and wasted no time pursuing his dream of being involved the wrestling business. Vargas, who lived in Gaston, South Carolina at when he bought the winning Powerball ticket recently moved to Tampa, Florida to be closer to the Wrestlicious production.

“It definitely always been a dream to be in the wrestling business. I grew up watching Jimmy Hart, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs, and it seems surreal that they are all part of Wrestlicious now. We have assembled some of the best producers and talent in the business, I know in my heart Wrestlicious will be a home run”

Vargas will appear in the show as “JV Rich”, the laid back and affable Rapper/Owner of Wrestlicious. Regular features will include “JV’s CRIB”, a look at the goings-on inside JV’s mansion frequented by The Wrestlicious Girls.

 “I thought he was very nice, and doesn’t seem to be affected at all by his good fortune. He was totally respectful to all the ladies on the set. He seemed to me to be involved in Wrestlicious solely because he genuinely loves wrestling and not as a vehicle to meet young women” said Wrestlicious star Lacey Von Erich [daughter of the late Kerry Von Erich].

I must say that Vargas’ on-air character of the “the laidback, affable rapper/owner” sounds like amazing television. And “JV’s Crib” is sure to provide fascinating insight into this complex man and what makes him tick. I give the company credit: It’s always a brilliant idea to stress in a press release that the owner is not merely funding the venture to get laid. (And it was a master stroke to ensure that the quote is attributed to a Von Erich, the last family beacon of honesty in the wrestling business. If anyone can vouch for a man’s character, it’s a Von Erich.) Otherwise, man, y’know, people would be all hatin’ and talking trash about this young entrepreneur. The “Wrestlicious” video, which apparently was inspired by the AWA’s catchy “WrestleRock Rumble” feature from 1987, spotlights several of the promotion’s cutting-edge characters, many of whom appear to be rejects from Dusty Rhodes’ WCW booking journal from 1991. (Incidentally, the WrestleRock video did wonders for the AWA’s street cred.)

This demo video is not only further evidence of Vargas’ booking prowess, but also serves as proof that Jimmy Hart will indeed do anything for money. No wonder Fox has supposedly picked up this fledging promotion (“The Hottest Action/Comedy on TV!”) for 13 episodes this fall.

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