Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

For all you action-figure marks out there–and you know who you are–Mattel has released prototypes of the upcoming WWE Legends line, wave 3: Mr. Perfect, psychotic “Loose Cannon” Brian Pillman (‘97 Hart Foundation era), Davey Boy Smith (Hart Foundation), Big Van Vader (circa the lame White Castle of Fear match concept; say what you want, but the big guy certainly had a way with the ladies…must have been all that exotic fruit), the Rock and Hacksaw Duggan (his seemingly never-ending WWF/E run.)

Vader and Perfect appear to be the best of the set (the latter comes with his trademark white towel and detailed, painted IC title; chewing gum sold seperately). That crazed, coked-up Pillman scan is pretty cool, but I have to question the logic of including three guys in the same set who died of drug overdoses before their 45th birthday. (Reminds me of when a toy rep in the mid-90s was discussing a legends line of action figures with Tommy Rich, who I was managing at the time. Rich suggested the name of the line be “Wrestling Legends: Dead or Alive.” I don’t believe Tommy ever heard back from them. Sounded pretty catchy to me.

Legends of the fall: The legacy lives on--even when the wrestlers do not. Coming this October.

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Pepsi challenge: Punk dares the masses to bring this to their next dinner party instead of spirits.

With the wrestling business sorely lacking distinguishable heels capable of delivering unique promos that actually, you know, piss people off rather than “sports entertain,” one man stands shaved head and shoulders above the rest: CM Punk, the most charismatic cult leader since Charles Manson.

Last night’s RAW promo was merely the latest example of how Punk has mastered the art of wrestling psychology—the guy has a way of getting under your skin by merely turning up the volume on his legit straight-edge lifestyle to continually deliver the most pretentious, psychotic promos in ages. (Behold the power of Punk: He mentions “Katie Vick” and suddenly she’s the number 5 trending topic on Google this morning.) Although even a blinded Chris Adams could have seen last night’s Steve Austin swerve coming a mile away, I couldn’t help but think of what have been had Punk been around in the Rattlesnake’s heyday in the Attitude Era. You couldn’t ask for two more contrasting characters to engage in verbal warfare—the promos between the two would have been riveting.

Unlike, say, the Miz, who’s a little too cutesy and clever for his own good as a heel, Punk also has a way of inserting a great one-liner (e.g., last night’s “Tooth Fairy” comment) without coming off cool or likeable. In playground vernacular, he’s the ultimate goody two-shoes. (To quote Adam Ant, “You don’t drink, don’t smoke—what do you do?”)

When thinking of Punk’s developing personality, I’m reminded of something Jerry Lawler shared with me during a car ride to Louisville: “Your delivery is OK, but you’re doing the wrong kind of promos. You’re trying too hard to be the next Jimmy Hart or Jim Cornette instead of being the original Scott Bowden. Above all, you’re trying to hard to be funny.” From that point on, I focused less on one-liners and more on being my naturally sardonic self—only way more obnoxious (my friends and associates at the time would argue the difference was negligible).

While the recent firing of Serena, whom I always found irritatingly attractive, hurts the SES gimmick, Punk will again rise above—or sink lower, depending on your point of view. Unlike Punk, Serena reportedly wasn’t living the gimmick off-stage. Party’s over for you, Serena, but take heart in knowing that WWE wishes you well in your future endeavors. (I cannot confirm if Punk has offered Serena’s SES spot to Paris Hilton as part of attempt to save the heiress from the evils of cocaine, apathy and really bad movies.) Punk has already been saddled with questionable booking this year (too little time to build a classic with Rey at WrestleMania and losing the hair match at least one PPV too soon and, later, his mask on free TV), but I think he’s capable of being a big-time money player in the right spot. (The Extreme Rules rematch with Rey and Punk was loads better, even with only a little over 6 minutes of time alloted, with the crowd hanging on every two count and false finish–the fans were dying to see Punk lose his hair.)

Like all the great villains in cinema, Punk’s character is effective because he honestly believes in his cause, no matter how heinous or difficult it is for your average citizen to understand. He exploits our own vices, weaknesses and imperfections, challenging us to rise to his unattainable, self-deluded virtues. And for that, Punk, we love to hate you.

Then again, perhaps we all could learn a lot from Punk—just look at how Jeff Hardy’s career is turning out.

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Last night on RAW, WWE revealed their new tag straps, which will now be known simply as the WWE tag-team championship instead of the Unified titles. Pretty nice touch with former WWF World tag-titlist Bret Hart presenting the new belts to the Hart Dynasty as well, though I hope they don’t continue to overexpose the Hitman; his appearances will mean more if they’re sporadic.

A self-admitted belt mark, I’m digging the unique, distinct design of the belts, which feature Spartan warriors on the main bronze buckle and on two additional smaller plates, along with two sunburst-style WWE bronze medallions. If anything, they’re certainly original and a departure from the eagles and globes of the Former Federation’s belts. (I can only assume a Michigan State art student designed these.) Sort of a modern twist on the old-school IWGP tag titles from nearly 20 years ago. Now if they can only book tag teams properly to make the belts mean something again.

The only problem is that on TV, the plates looked like oversized copper pennies under the bright lights. Besides, isn’t bronze the color of runners-up everywhere? Hey, it could be worse–it could be matching spinner belts. (Man, I wish someone would pull a Superstar Graham and destroy the current WWE heavyweight title belt–wonder if John Cena would burst into tears?)

I wonder if this means they’re eventually heading toward a bout to unify the WWE heavyweight and World titles, with a single champion defending on both RAW and SMACKDOWN to help restore a bit of prestige in the fans’ eyes.

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