Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

Shortly after this photo was taken, Miss Piggy karate chopped Jerry Lawler for making one too many fat jokes.

What could have been an outright disaster turned out to be not as shitty as expected (I’ll stop short of saying “campy fun”) as Jim Henson’s Muppets appeared on last night’s RAW, highlighted by a pretty funny segment involving long-lost brothers Sheamus and Beaker (really, the hairstyles should have been a dead giveaway). This exchange was set up by a comment that John Cena made on the April 24, 2010, episode of RAW, accusing Sheamus of “moonlighting as Beaker from ‘The Muppets’ with a chip on his shoulder.”

Beaker, who was reportedly in charge of the WWE Wellness Policy piss tests for the evening, also interfered in a bout, enabling Santino to steal a victory over Muppet-bully Jack Swagger when the former Italian Intercontinental champion spit an unknown concoction into the eyes of the All-American American in a modified Great Kabuki-green-mist finish. (Evan Bourne reportedly drank Beaker’s formula, apparently spiked with Ico Pro and Hulk Hogan Vitamins, resulting in a 30-day suspension for his first violation of the aforementioned Wellness Policy. Either that, or it was the synthetic marijuana that Bourne bought off Muppet Animal.)

Certainly there were some missed opportunities: a duet with Kermit and Mason Ryan singing “It Ain’t Easy Being Green;” CM Punk in the balcony with Statler and Waldorf bitching about the illogical, lame booking; a showdown between Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho (who’s on sabbatical) and Fozzie Bear; and Miss Piggy and Stephanie McMahon comparing boob jobs would have all been naturals.

Really, the Muppets weren’t the biggest problem with the show, though with a major PPV headlined by the Rock wrestling for the first time in years coming up in three weeks, the timing was questionable.

Rock opened the program, looking as if he were on set shooting a Just For Men commercial, complete with a gray beard that was weird a la Emmitt Smith. (If he shaved the ‘stache part, he’d had a classic Lawler crown-shaped goatee rocking.) The crowd reaction seemed tepid for the Most Electrifying Man No Longer Working Full Time in Sports Entertainment, and the Twitter audience really turned on the Rock, bemoaning yet another taped promo instead of a live appearance. Rock ran down Cena before agreeing to be his partner because he hates Miz and R-Truth even more than the leader of the “Fruit Troop.” With a Cena vs. Miz bout booked for last night’s main event, I anticipated a screwjob and beat-down of Cena to turn up the heat on the heels to build to the Rock’s return to RAW on the three-hour episode on Nov. 13–ah, but that’s the logical side of me. Instead, Miz tapped out quickly to the crossface and Cena delivered a post-match knockout to R-Truth as well via an Attitude Adjustment. (Truth was wearing a “Scream” mask, though nobody thought for a second that was Skeet Ulrich under the hood.)

For the life of me, I can’t understand the booking philosophy behind WWE’s product. If Cena can singlehandedly wipe the mat with these two jabronis, why exactly does he need the Rock? Where’s the heat? (OK, deep down, I was hoping that during a two-on-one fracas, a drunken Tommy Rich would hop the ringside barrier in Atlanta to make the save for Cena.) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised; after all, “The Muppet Show” always had a happy ending.

While I don’t have a problem with a World champion dropping an occasional non-title bout to set up a serious challenger, WWE titlist Alberto Del Rio was pinned clean in the middle by the Big Show in a…um…methodical bout that seemed slightly longer than Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage. Big Show, of course, is a SMACKDOWN wrestlersuperstar involved in a program with the “other” World champion, Mark Henry, so Del Rio won’t prevail in the end. The once-hot Punk, who has cooled like a WWF ice-cream bar in recent weeks, was relegated to mocking Del Rio in Spanglish and ensnaring the beaten champion in the Anaconda Vice submission hold until he agreed to a title match at Survivor Series. ¡Que lastima! 

HOF announcer Jim Ross was there to shoot an angle with Michael Cole, but was bumped for the Muppets–seriously. This left Cole and Lawler to bicker at ringside, sans the charm of Statler and Waldorf, with the King actually reaching back to his ’80s bag of insults and making a “Wimpbusters” reference. I simultaneously cringed and popped for that one.

I’m thinking Brock Lesnar will probably no-sell Jerry Lawler’s piledriver a la Road Warrior Hawk in the upcoming WWE ’12 video game. That’s right: the former WWE/UFC champion is the latest addition to the game, which also features such legends as Eddie Guerrero, the Rock, Demolition, the Legion of Doom, Arn Anderson and the modern-day King of Memphis. (In a related story, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has agreed to be in the game, but only if he’s programmed never to put Lesnar over.)

Unfortunately for gamers, Lesnar’s character will only be accessible until next fall, when he leaves for an ill-fated tryout with the Minnesota Vikings for Madden ’13. (Hell, the Vikings are so bad this year, they may actually sign him.)

Crowning achievement: Lawler made Henry look decent in his high-profile WWE debut on PPV.

I wish could tell you that as Mark Henry lifted me with ease like an infant and held me over his massive shoulders in a backbreaker in September 1996 he’d be a future World champion. Truth is, Henry was green as grass, and I was practically only the second opponent he’d ever been in the ring with in front of a crowd, so I was nervous as hell that he’d injure me. Given my tendency to stomp my adversaries much too stiffly when my charges like Buddy Landel and Tommy Rich tossed prone bodies outside the ring at my feet, it was Henry who probably who had more to worry about than me.

My tag partner on this evening in ’96, Jerry Lawler, had carried Henry through his professional wrestling debut only days earlier at the “In Your House 10: Mind Games PPV” on Sept. 22, 1996, and came out unscathed in spite of his opponent, whom WWE had signed earlier that year thinking they had a future Olympic medalist on their hands. What Henry lacked in experience and mobility, he more than up for with his massive size and incredible strength–two qualities that the promotion had coveted in the Former Federation since the days of Vince McMahon Sr.

Mark had been a Hulk Hogan fan during his teenage years, when he earned national acclaim for his weightlifting achievements in high school. In 1996, Vince McMahon signed him to the infamous 10-year deal for reported a $250,000-per, with the plan all along to push him as “The World’s Strongest Man” coming out of a medal finish on national TV. But as is typical when McMahon can’t control the outcome, it backfired when Henry placed 10th out of 14 competitors. The McMahon media machine spun it as if Henry suffered a back injury prior the Olympics, and the WWF stuck with the idea of billing the rookie as if he were indeed the mightiest human being walking the planet.

At the time, the Memphis-based USWA promotion was working as a farm league of sorts, helping to groom the WWE superstars of tomorrow. While Henry likely could have benefitted from months in the territory like the Rock (who worked Memphis as Flex Kavana before getting called up the big leagues by Pat Patterson), this was a one-shot deal at the Big One Expo Center, the makeshift “arena” hosting Memphis events after Lawler & Co. left the Mid-South Coliseum in July of that year.

While I seemed like an unlikely partner for the King against such formidable opposition as Henry and Brian Christopher, Lawler had a way of making it sound completely logical during this promo.

I remember Mark being jovial and friendly backstage, like a big kid living out his fantasy of being a wrestler–which is how I felt during my brief tenure in the business. To hide Henry’s limitations, Lawler laid out the match so that we’d get the heat on Brian the entire way (by underhanded means, no doubt), taunting Henry, who could never quite get tagged in. I had several of my friends in attendance that night and they were having a blast leading a small contingent of heel fans in the Florida State University war chant. My gimmick was that I was the nephew of Bobby Bowden, carrying on the family tradition of coaching. In fact, on this night, was wearing an FSU jersey “sent to me by Warrick Dunn.” My 7-year-old nephew, Jake, was also in attendance with his father to see me in the main event. When a woman behind them screamed, “Scott Bowden sucks,” Jake turned around and matter-of-factly informed her, “Excuse me, but my uncle does not suck.”

As the heat reached a fever pitch (despite its name, the Big One was a pretty small venue, which made it ideal for a crowd of the approximate 750 rabid diehard fans in attendance each week), Christopher finally made the tag to the big lug, who lumbered in and disposed  of Lawler with a (silverback) gorilla slam before turning his attention to me. Henry nearly took my head off with a clothesline before picking me up in his backbreaker finisher, which I quickly submitted to. After he dumped me awkwardly to the canvas, I tried to scurry away, but Henry ripped the right pant leg completely off my khakis. I found out later that Lawler has instructed him to do so, similar to the rib he had Terry Funk pull on rookie manager Jim Cornette in 1983. Backstage, Henry was laughing as I approached him wearing what was left of my pants and uttered the traditional post-match “Thanks, brother.” He halfheartedly apologized, pointing at Lawler, who bellowed, “Hey, don’t look at me!” Still, I couldn’t help but like the guy.

I’ve watched with interest over the years as Henry’s career floundered initially as a babyface, picked up a little steam as a heel member of the Nation of Domination, was mired in silliness as Sexual Chocolate and “impregnated” Mae Young, and shipped to Canada to train with the Harts, before being sent down to the minors in OVW and told to lose weight and improve his work. Maybe this could have been avoided if he’d have had the extended opportunity to learn under Lawler’s watchful eye in Memphis back in ’96. I understand Vince’s initial rush to get Henry on TV to take advantage of his national exposure, but he really should have called an audible when he performed poorly in the Olympics. Somehow, he managed to stay on the roster after his deal finally expired, mostly due to the company’s lack of depth as top superstars retired or moved on to other interests.

At any rate, the “Hall of Pain” gimmick has been the best approach yet to take with Henry, as they appear committed to getting him over as a classic monster heel after all these years. Creative has also done a great job of portraying him as someone who’s snapped after more than a decade of frustration, and Henry has taken to the role extremely well. They don’t let just anybody pin Randy Orton clean to win the World title, which Henry finally accomplished after seeing countless other performers debut after him and eventually win the belt. At this stage, Henry’s work is pretty damn solid for what he does and his title victory over Orton was fine, despite the initial reaction of indifference at the upset, which was unfortunately captured shortly after the finish by two ill-timed close-ups of two different fans whose faces seemed to say, “Mark Henry–are you kidding me?”

Unlike that night in Memphis years ago, this was no rib. Today, Mark Henry clearly means business.