Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

My ongoing look at the less-than-credible ads that frequently appeared in the newsstand wrestling magazines of my youth. 

Dutch Mantell earned the respect of Tennessee fans not only for his Lone Wolf, anti-authority persona and excellent ring work but also because he was the hairiest grappler this side of the Mississippi. And we all know chicks dig dudes with hairy chests-and backs (at least in the South). But if you were a bare-chested, bare-backed weenie who constantly got sand kicked in his face at Maywood Beach or Adventure River by hairy bullies back in the ’80s, you did have an option, as featured in an issue of Inside Wrestling.

For those naysayers who claim this is a hair-brained idea, the ad does note that an independent survey concluded that “women love hairy he-men.” (Can you imagine approaching a woman with a clipboard at an area mall, saying, “Excuse me, miss. Can I ask you a few questions about hairy chests?”) And if you’re still not sold, keep in mind that “men respect and admire other men with hairy chests.”

CM Punk, who quickly produced a crop of chest hairs upon turning heel, fully endorses this product.

Looking back, the ads featured in the Stanley Weston wrestling publications of the ’70s and ’80s (affectionately known by some fans as the “Apter Mags” in honor of managing editor Bill Apter) were often just as sensationally entertaining as the fictionalized accounts treating the business as sport. Case in point, this ad featuring the Kiyoga Steel Cobra,™ billed as providing an “impenetrable steel shield” against “muggers, rapists and maniacs.” I love the expression of the empowered dude raising his fist into the air in the lower left-hand corner, clearly after he knocked a would-be mugger senseless. (Ironically, he looks a little like the Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer.) Then there’s the businessman cracking the jaw of a biker, while the classy broad belts an apparent rapist-and you don’t even need a license to carry it!

Personally, I ordered one of these and used it to beat the shit out of a schoolyard bully-the ultimate foreign object for a kid, with the possible exception of an Aladdin®-made metal lunchbox.

Behold the power of the Kiyoga!

Send your attacker HOWLING with UNBEARABLE pain! Best of all, it's absolutely FOOLPROOF!