Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

As we’ve traversed the treacherous road of the worst wrestling promos of all time, we’ve marveled at the muscle-head mumblings of Scott Doring. We’ve sat in awe, overcome with envy, as the most gorgeous man in the history of Arkansas outlaw wrestling taunted us and teased our women. And we’ve slipped quips from the likes of Sid Vicious and George Gulas into our everyday conversations as if they were our own.

As we examine the worst wrestling promos of all time, let us not forget the men who helped pave this pitiful path. Like the stars of the IPW Stratosphere: Jumping” Jeff Farmer™, Motley Cruz™, Bulldozer™, Tony the Spider™, Richie Rouge™ and “Dynamite” Keith Watkins.™  (Click here to watch these pros in action.) I’ll say this about the IPW-at least the creative forces behind the promotion didn’t shamelessly reinforce negative stereotypes of Native Americans and other minorities like so many other major promotions (and the Washington Redskins) with cartoon gimmicks over the years, as this promo from the tag-team Mighty Nation illustrates. (Ric Flair, Ron Garvin, Wahoo McDaniel and Johnny Valentine only wished they could deliver razor-sharp chops like this Indian duo.)

I would be remiss if I also did not pay homage to the likes of the USWA’s Spirit of America, who made it his mission in the early ’90s to clean up parks throughout the greater Memphis area (in his wrestling gear no less) with the help of kids eager to spend their weekends picking up garbage with their parents. I’m glad the “Keep America Beautiful” crying Indian isn’t alive to see how Eric Embry and Tony Falk conspired to foil the work of the Spirit and his little spirits. (I can’t help but think of what the IPW’s Standing Bear would say about all this.) Nothing can put a damper on the Spirit’s Memphis debut in the eyes of announcer Dave Brown, who is clearly moved by the part-time wrestler/garbageman’s patriotism.

Selecting the worst promo of all time was no easy task. For every Nature Boy, there’s a Golden Boy. For every Steve Austin, there’s a Lex Luger. Ah, yes, the Total Package. Never has a promo so emphatically helped close the final chapter on a man’s career than Luger’s interview in 2004 for something called the Cyberspace Wrestling Federation, conducted by a guy who looks like a cross between Willy Wonka and a North Memphis pimp. (OK, so the tragic death of Elizabeth Hulette and his multiple DUIs, drug-related arrests and stroke didn’t help, either.) While never a strong promo, Luger sinks to new lows with this abomination, which is easily the worst promo ever conducted by a one-time major superstar (with the possible exception of the Ultimate Warrior)-and my selection as the worst pro wrestling interview of all time.

By 1984, the tentacles of Vince McMahon Jr.’s World Wrestling Federation were tearing down traditional territory boundaries and swiping talent from local promotions as they attempted to gain a chokehold on the business and fans nationwide. Inspired by the young McMahon’s ambitious plans for the business following the death of his father, Vince Sr., George Gulas, son of longtime Tennessee promoter Nick Gulas, resurfaced with his own unique vision for Universal Championship Wrestling, where he’d serve as the ringleader, promoter, announcer and talent. It was an audacious move that sent shockwaves throughout an industry already reeling from the phenomenon of Hulk Hogan spreading into their respective backyards.

Turns out other promoters need not have worried. Despite a lineup that included Frankenstein (the world’s most dangerous masked wrestler) and Gulas’s Mud Rasslin’ Dolls (a natural for cards held at the Mothers Club in Fayetteville, Ark.), George’s promotion was undone in part by promos like the one posted below, where he interviews himself and his hated opponent Beautiful Bobby (decidedly not the Midnight Express’ tag specialist) who he’s scheduled to meet in a grudge bullwire match in a few short hours later that night. OK, granted, the tension between the two is so incredibly real, but how they can stand to be inches apart without losing their tempers? Guess I’m just bitter because I couldn’t get tickets to the Mothers Club that night.

I admit that I can’t help but think that Vince ripped off his Mr.McMahon character from George, as the following exchange definitely harkens memories of the classic McMahon vs. Steve Austin feud. (What? WHAT?!)

It’s always a little sad when a promo dies prematurely, especially on live TV. Unlike his unprofessional actions in the Ken Patera promo posted earlier (I still can’t believe that taped interview actually aired on TV) Gene Okerlund is at the top of his game in this clip from SummerSlam 1989, capable of handling any situation that may arise on PPV. In his defense, I know there have been plenty of times when I’ve started discussing the Ultimate Warrior and instead I just said, “Fuck it.” (Like the stellar broadcast journalist that he was in his WWF days, Jesse Ventura was thankfully there to cover for his broadcast colleague.)