Scott Bowden presents Kentucky Fried Rasslin

Constructed of the Hulkster's traditional red-and-yellow color scheme, Giant LEGO Man taunts Hogan, while its shirt questions the legitimacy of Hulkamania.

Shortly after an 8-foot tall LEGO man washed up on Siesta Key Beach early Tuesday morning, TNA signed the fiberglass free agent to a three-year deal, according to Eric Bischoff in a report filed by the Christian Science Monitor.

“At TNA, we’re always looking for that next pop-culture icon, whether it be Pacman Jones, Jenna Morasca or Jonny Fairplay, to get people talking around the water cooler about our product,” explains Bischoff as he once again turns controversy into cash. “Giant LEGO Man is undefeated in active competition and a huge coup for our organization. And for those Internet nerds out there dismissing LEGO Man as the just the latest washed-up stiff on our roster, at least we didn’t re-sign Kevin Nash like WWE. In our initial workouts, Giant LEGO Man already displays more charisma and athleticism than half the X Division-whatever that is.”

TNA Creative is working around the clock on an engaging, riveting, logical storyline-a first for the company-to set up LEGO Man as the next monster to challenge the legacy of the immortal Hulk Hogan, former WWE heavyweight champion and current spokesperson for CarTitleLoanMart.com and Rent-A-Center.

Know-it-all Internet critics have labeled LEGO Man the biggest TNA washout since Jeff Hardy.

“Let me tell ya somethin’, brother, the biggest and the baddest in the land have tried to knock the Hulkster off the top of the mountain, and I’m…still…standing…sort of,” says Hogan, hobbling with a cane after his recent “retirement” match against Sting. “Andre the Giant, the Big Show, King Kong Bundy-they’ve all gone down at the hands of me and all my Hulkamanics. I’m not gonna stop, dude, until I bodyslam that smelly, seaweed-wrapped, 700-pound Giant LEGO Man through the floor of the iMPACT Zone. Then, I’m gonna take that LEGO freak apart…brick by brick by brick by brick…brother! Whatcha gonna do, Giant LEGO Man, when the power of Hulkamania runs wild on youuuuuu?!”

Hogan closed his press conference by saying he will be donating the spare LEGO parts to the Make-A-Wish Foundation shortly after dismantling the Giant on SPIKE TV next Thursday night.

Displaying a quiet, eerie confidence, Giant LEGO Man had no comment.

Based on a true story.

As my past work shows, I love a good porn parody. But I must say that I was creeped out when I heard the news of a “Hogan Knows Best” porn flick, mostly because Hulk and Brooke are reportedly playing themselves. (Can Brutus Beefcake and the Nasty Boys be far behind?)

I can only imagine the reaction of the rather litigious Hulkster. (I mean if he was that upset over a cereal commercial, I can only imagine what he’ll say to this.) Good luck, Hulk. If Vivid can get away under the “Fair Use” laws protecting parodies-George Lucas apparently can’t do a thing to prevent the upcoming release of “Star Wars XXX”-then Hogan most likely won’t make a dime from this.

The U. S. Supreme Court decision in 1994 regarding 2 Live Crew’s parody of Roy Orbison’s song “Pretty Woman” was a major ruling in this area. The court established that parody is a defense against copyright infringement claims. In the case of trademarks, the law provides some statutory “fair use” protection. But, because it is so narrow, the courts have added three additional categories: (1) nominative, (2) comparitive advertising and (3) parody.

As New York lawyer Baila H. Celedonia notes:

A review of trademark parody cases give us no bright line rules. Rather, they appear to be a barometer of both the presiding judge’s sense of humor and sense of fairness. As Tom McCarthy puts it, ‘a non-infringing parody is merely amusing, not confusing.’”

Hulk gay? Nah.

In a radio interview promoting her new book, Linda Hogan (who continues to use her husband’s stage surname despite the grudge-match divorce) claims longtime Hulk buddy Ed Leslie (aka Brutus Beefcake and about a dozen other lame gimmicks) may have indeed been the Booty Man for the former WWF and WCW World champion.

Radar Online reports:

The ex-wife of the immortal grappler appeared on Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour when the host went through a series of questions culled from fan emails; at one point, he asked Linda if her ex and Beefcake carried on “an intimate relationship.” 

“Wow, I don’t know how to answer this, so I don’t end up getting a lawsuit,” she said, laughing.  “A little bird told me, ‘Yes, I they think they did.’”

OK, the Hulk’s got issues, mostly when it comes to dating women who resemble his daughter and rubbing suntan lotion near Brooke’s ass, but I find it hard to believe this is anything more than cheap heat to attract attention to Linda’s fascinating work of literary genius.

That said, wherever Hulk seemed to be in the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, Leslie was indeed always close behind-ah, so that explains his questionable push as Beefcake, a male-stripper-turned-hairstylist gimmick.

Much like Leslie, the sooner Linda fades into obscurity, the better.

Of course, this isn’t the first time Hogan’s sexuality has been called into question: “Dr. D” David Schultz made similar claims in this early ’80s AWA promo. The again, the good doctor also accused Jerry Lawler of having AIDS, so take that for what it’s worth.